Feds Bail Out Old Woman

by Margery Buttwhistle

Jacksonville, FL

The federal government has volunteered to take over payments on the heavily mortgaged shoe. The shoe, inhabited by an Old Woman and her substantial brood, has recently undergone expensive repairs, including a load-bearing prop beneath the ankle and a new thatched roof.

"I just didn't know what to do," said the Old Woman, who claims she is a victim of predatory lending practices.

"Three mortgages, and all I've ever produced was broth. I never even made any bread. In fact, when times were tough, I simply whipped all my children and put them to bed."

Citi Financial, the lender of note on each of the three mortgages, listed a monthly salary of $14,500. An appraisal of the shoe in question will be completed by the end of the week.

President Barack Obama, speaking at the world financial summit in London, had this to say about the Old Woman and her distressed property: "America is at a crossroads. People are losing their jobs; they're losing their homes and assets. We have to stand for something in these tough times. In this case, we've decided to stand up for Americans and their inalienable rights to domestic footwear."

Old Woman, file photo