1.31.2008

Hatchet



I've seen some terrible horror movies in my time. Some were so bad they were good (Slither and Creepshow). Others just sucked. And then there are the ones that make zero sense and prompt you to laugh all the way through.

Hatchet is one of the latter. Adam Green's cameo-laden schlock-fest probably turned out just the way he hoped it would. It's filled with wooden dialogue, B-list actors and implausible plotting. Victor Crowley is a freakishly muscular mongoloid who stalks a stretch of swamp in the Louisiana Bayou.

The most redeeming aspect of this film is watching the actor that played Kenny (Bud) on the Cosby Show. He makes jokes about having crabs and drops f-bombs like Andrew Dice Clay. I sort of liked him better when he was hanging out with Rudy.

Joel Moore's "acting" here is laughable. "We need to stick together!" he shouts in one scene. It's supposed to be an urgent sentiment, but it cracks you up when you hear it on screen. He could just as easily be discussing the weather. Tamara Feldman seems like she could have a career in the talkies, but this film won't advance her career. Watching her muster tears in this stinker just makes your heart ache. What could she have been thinking about to actually start those waterworks?

Suck, suck, suck. Hatchet scores an 'F' grade. This weekend gives us Jessica Alba in The Eye. I'll skip it and see Michael Clayton instead.

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