Side Effects Not Typical

February 12, 2010

Fox Broadcasting Company

P.O. Box 900

Attn: The Super Big Banana!

Beverly Hills, CA 90213-0900

Dear Mr. Calemczuk,

Well, I’m afraid I’ll have to withdraw my name as a candidate for employment with Fox. I only get to send one letter a week, but I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to join the show, at least for this season.

I’m in the Nassau County Detention Center. They say I attacked my mother, but I don’t know why they’d say such things! The accusations! So cruel. So so so so so so so so so so CRUEL!

I could never do what they say I did. It’s not in my nature, not at all.

You know the worst part of all this? They took away my meds. In a week, I’ll be back to square one. I can already feel the change, and I just missed one day! My legs, my bladder, my eyes, my muscles—all of it is going to shit, Emiliano!

I can still watch the show in here. They let us have two hours of television privileges each night. Just enough to keep my streak alive!

It’ll be hard watching all those ads, knowing how I’m falling apart in here. Oh, well. Mother’s holding on in the ICU, so maybe it won’t be long until I get out of here after all.

I thought you deserved prompt notice, Mr. Calemczuk. I know Ellen has done a fantastic job, but if you need a replacement in the future, I encourage you to look to your fan base.

Believe me, Mr. Calemczuk, there are thousands of girls out there just like me.

Maybe even millions!


Abbey Tinsdale, Yulee, Florida

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