January 13, 2010
Fox Broadcasting Company
Attn: The Big Cheese
Dear Mr. Calemczuk,
Before you think I’m just another weirdo with too much time on her hands, I just want you to know that I have never missed an episode of American Idol. Not a single one!
Even when I had surgery on my deviated septum, I made sure that the nurses taped the show for me at the hospital. It’s a good thing, too—it was the first time Sanjaya changed his hair!
At any rate, I’m writing to you because my mom says I need to get a job and move out of the house. I know you have a lot of smart people that work for you at Fox, so I want you to know that I did get my G.E.D.! I took the test the summer after season two was over, but I didn’t pass because I didn’t study that much and I was having a little trouble with my weight, which was kind of bad for my confidence. But then I buckled down and I started taking hydroxycut and I lost a lot of weight and I took the test again when season three was finished.
Guess what? I passed!
And I know that Paula Abdul left the show, and I heard that Ellen was taking her place, but then I had a thought: who knows more about Idol than I do? Nobody does, that’s who!
So I thought that I’d write to you about a job as one of the judges, and I appreciate your time in considering my request.
P.S. I’m so glad that you guys started running those Xanax commercials during the show! I’ve been on the stuff for over a month now and the “flip-outs” (that’s what my mom calls them) are almost totally gone!