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10.31.2007

Happy Halloween!



Radio address broadcast on KKID 1430 A.M., Jacksonville, Florida, October 31, 2007 at 12:34 p.m.:


Tonight's the night, folks. The zombie revolution starts right here in northern Duval County (and you said we never made the news) when the sun goes down over Florida this evening. Officials from the World Health Organization have predicted a global epidemic of senseless hunger and unchecked decay.

The city of Jacksonville is converting a number of hurricane shelters into ZPZs, or Zombie Preparedness Zones.


Citizens have been advised to remain indoors after sundown, but you know how Floridians respond to evacuation warnings. If Star Wormwood enters our atmosphere, as astronomers predict, at 5:39 p.m.EST and parents don't advise their children to be wary of the lurching, stumbling undead, a catastrophe of epic proportions awaits us when the sun comes up in the morning.

Our advice? Lay in some provisions and throw on a couple of creature features folks. And make sure you don't sit next to any windows...

2 comments:

ryan pence said...

A few other helpful hints for preparing the survival of a zombie outbreak.

1 - Keep an exit stratigy in mind. Zombies (in general) are not fast, but in masses can hinder the best escape route. If escaping by foot - take the clearist path possiable. In a pinch, pretending to be a Zombie might work, no gaurentee. If by vehical - agian, take the clearest path. Your honda civic will NOT plow through a sea of the walking dead. Use a distraction, somthing bright and or loud. If your car is out of gas but the elictrical still works, crank the stero and turn on the lights. This should buy you a few minuets. Starting a large fire is good too.

2 - Keep blunt swinging objects at hand. As we all know, the best way to stop a Zombie is to either sever the head, or damage the brain. A shot gun is obviously best for close range combat - make sure you have plenty of ammo (always save the last shot for your self), and do not saw down the shot gun as it could be used as a club if needed. If you don't have a shot gun, I suggest blunt swinging objects (bats and golf clubs, rolling pin) over sharp objects (axes and machetties). Why you ask, sharps might get stuck in bone or any thing, blunts just keep beating.

If you are hiding, remember that zombies have an excellent sense of smell. They can pick up the scent of fresh brains for a 10 block radius. Find somthing to cover the smell. Try using garlic, tomatto juice, or fresh manure. be sure to fill holes close to the brain like ears, nose and mouth.

Daniel W. Powell said...

Oh, man...love it, Ryan!

This needs to be printed in red ink and attached with a "do not remove by penalty of the federal government" warning to a zombie preparedness kit (49.95 at Target).

I have to run and make sure I have a full supply of ear, nose and mouth manure...

"blunts just keep beating"